If There Was A Box

If there was a box to put all your negative thoughts in, it would be so wonderful. I wish negative thoughts were tangible. Positive thoughts on the other hand should be like air, encompassing and free and feel like warm hugs. But negative thoughts should have been like tangible objects, surveilled and then disposed off. Today I realized how much anger and negativity I have in me and how important it is for me to convert it into something positive or get rid of those feelings.
How does one do that? Take away all the rationalised anger and negativity and make oneself anew? Is it not difficult? At 2 in the library, I am trying to change myself, to become a better person. Perhaps, it could be done by  thinking about the negativity causing thoughts and their roots. The next step could be to decide whether these thoughts are worthy of your time anyway. If yes, then we move on to the next step. But if not, then we assume that those thoughts are like a one-time poop and get rid of them. Moving on, if one cannot get rid of those thoughts so easily, one should maybe think about whether their presence will make me happier in any way. If not, then again we repeat the poop excercise. If yes, then we modify ourselves accordingly. All this brain muddle is taking place in the brain and not outside. What you believe is more important, if you are not a narcissistic idiot. Haha!

People in a majorly social work institute are disappointing me. But then again, who cares? 

Proton!

Hello!

I am writing here after a long . I am living in Mumbai now, doing my MA in Media and Culture Studies. Too much work, sleep deprived and lonely, life is not that great right now. Hehe!

But I want to change this attitude of mine that has been persistant for a long time now. I have become too negative. Imma change to extreme positive. The nauseating kind. Haha! Too much work, will be done, awesomely well, I may add!

My life always was awesome. It is now and will always be.

Sometimes we reach that straining point, where we are stretched so thin that it becomes hard to get by. In my life, I am at that stage. At least, on my college and studies and stuff. I don't want to give up. I want to enjoy but stuff keeps happening that to me it seems like an indication that this world is not for me. I want to believe that it is a rough patch and that my disinterest is just a phase, but it has been going on for so long that I feel like giving up.

But I will not give up until my heart tells me. Which is forever. Imma fight this. 

One of the triumphs of civilization..

This line ('One of the Triumphs of Civilizations..') occurs in 'Mrs Dalloway' directly after a suicide of a traumatized war victim, ironically by the intrusion of a psychologist. This line has stuck with me...

One of the triumphs of civilizations

Has been to invade everyone’s lives.

One of the triumphs of civilization

Has been Bhopal and Hiroshima.

One of the triumphs of civilization,

Has been sophisticated oppression.

One of the triumphs of civilization

Has been to guarantee

That death comes to all.

But at a time like today,

One of the triumphs of civilization

Has been worldwide prayers.

One of the triumphs of civilization

Have been candlelight marches and vigils.

One of the triumphs of civilizations

Has been relief and concern.

One of the triumphs of civilization

Has been love transcending borders.

The world is a bad place,

And death will come to all.

Yet,

There is still love left.

And that has been the

Triumph of the civilization.

Not Letting Go

Today, I read this beautiful Hughes' poem that perfectly resonates my present feelings. Here it is:


As I Grew Older


It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun--
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky--
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun! 
-Langston Hughes

There were times, I remember, when I felt so inspired that I could take over the world. It was insane the kind of drive I possessed then. It has been ages since I felt like that again. 

This makes me question whether my dream is even good enough to inspire me? Or have I changed? It was another high, working for something with immense passion. I am just 21. Why am I so uninspired? Where is that competitive spirit? Where is that energy?

It is not the time to dwell on the past. I somehow have to revive.. no.. give birth to a new inspiration, new energy, new spirit. I have to work for a dream. I should be grateful that I have a dream. And now that I have, I have to find some way to be blindly passionate. 

Thank you Hughes. You did it again. 

Sense and Sensitivity

People tell me that I'm a very emotional person, too sensitive for my own good. And then they suggest this absurd thing where they tell me to change that about myself. How does one do it? How can you 'fine tune' your emotional responses? The whole point of rationality and irrationality is the fact that irrationality and responses are your own and how one reacts to primeval stuff is something we cannot be taught. Then why does everyone believe that emotions can be controlled?
Sensitive people, I believe are the most alive. Why? Because they react, emotionally. They are most responsive and they somehow tend to go that extra mile in all relationships.
Now, comes the tricky part. When someone is mean or when you are hurt, how do you react? Because the 'best' answer I get from people is, "Don't react to it. She/He doesn't matter." Ya, well, if you don't react to people who you're close to, then who? So, where do we draw this line where we divide people into two: One, who are allowed to hurt me and those who aren't. Really? Will this ever work? Because more often than not, we feel bad from comments from complete strangers too. This is not a very clear post in terms of structure, but I really hope I'm getting my point across. What I am basically trying to ask is, how do you tell your brain to react to only a few people/things?
I constantly ask myself, why do I feel bad about things where I had no hand? If someone deliberately wanted to hurt, its their conscience and their problem, right? Or is it ours, because we allow someone to do that? Bah. Confusing.
As I'm growing up, I've realised only one thing. No one, absolutely no one who truly loves you will hurt you on purpose.
I'm deviating. Sorry. I was pondering on where to draw that imaginary line? My friend Saad says that she only gives her five best friends that power. Maybe, I can try that. Even best friends let people down, but love does not go. But the 'letting down' or hurting in this case, will be unconscious.

PS: Bollywood music rules!!! Gimme more of 'Lucky Boy' and 'Tere mast mast do nain'!!
PSS: Exams in 6 six days! BAH!

Lalala! My nose is mucus hydrant.

Will blog posts stay forever? Because this is one post I would like my children to read.
First, I am not that regular with my blog because I really didn't know people read it. But yay! I've emailed two people in thanks. So, the recipients, Please don't freak out.

I am a single girl now. For a week and a half actually. And I feel liberated and I not saying this in the psuedo-feminist-man-hater sorta way. I mean it genuinely. I am not that kind of a person who will insult her own past.

This was my first relationship. It lasted two years. The 'boy' (please note that I'm referring to him as a boy and not a 'man') was one of my closest friends since class 6. It was supposed to be the most perfect things in the world. And it was. For one and a half years at least. It was a long distance and the boy couldn't handle it after a while I guess. I will not dwell on what went wrong. He changed in a bad way and became extremely mean. So, its over now.

My agenda on writing this post is to share my experience post-breakup.
The thing is, I was too dependent on him. And that is why I took all the shit he gave me thinking it was just a phase and putting up with it. I know where I went wrong. But I did give more love to make up for my problem. I thought that I would have nobody if he left me. And that is why I clung on to him.
I did break up with him with a very firm resolve on our second anniversary because that day he had crossed the limits. But he kept calling me and telling me that we are meant to be and how he would never hurt me ever again and be there. Well, we got back together and he became worse. I guess his ego could not handle that fact that I was the one who broke up with him. So this time, he did it on his terms.
And good for him. :) I mean it!

He has said horrible things to me. Things which seemed very genuine then. He made me feel like I was some nutcase. The last thing he said to me before I hung up the phone was:
" I uploaded those photos to hurt you. To remind you of that day. (Me: But that was the worst day of my life!). Yes, I know. I wanted us to stay broken up. (Me: But you begged me to come back.) Yeah, I know...
Now lets talk on Diwali and I hope we can be friends."

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
WhAT A Loooser!

I mean, now when I think about all the bull shit he used to say, I wonder how did I not laugh at it then. I mean, who talks like this??

Anyway, so that night, I mustered up all my courage and decided that I will never call him again. I think self-respect went pretty much for a toss for the last months of our relationship. Hehe.
I moved into the hostel the next morning. And I just clung on to my friends( my BFF in Chennai and my friends here, my sister and my favouritest ex-professor for the next two days). I cried. Basically, I figured that I should be done with my crying at one go. Now here are some things that are very typical post-break up and I'm sure they will be helpful:

1. Don't call. There is a very valid reason that you broke up. In my case(and most cases are like mine), I had to develop an ego to stop myself for calling him. You know what, during those three-four days, I would suddenly get angry at the time we used to talk(for me it was evening) and I would want to call him up and just yell at him for doing all that. But I figured there's no point. He is like a wall. No amount of love moved him. So, instead, I called up any of my friends. the point is to remain distracted. That kinda phase is only for half-an-hour or forty five minutes. If you still feel angry, watch something funny. But don't write. You will only make yourself feel worse.
The reason why I am saying let go off the anger is because nothing good will come out of it. You are vulnerable then. Do things to make yourself feel good. That anger is just hurt. Have pity on yourself and have fun!

2. Whenever you want to cry, don't stop yourself. One day the tears will stop.

3. Don't call.

4. Don't email or whatever.
And don't get petty and delete them off your list. It reflects badly on your past decisions. And as Sensei Snnickel says, 'DONT DISRESPECT YOUR PAST'. Obviously you'll check their profile for a few days but trust me, after a point of time, it will sink in to your brain that it does not matter. And you will be YAY again!
PS: There is this really cool option on FB where you can unsubscribe to a particular person's FB activity. Hence, unless you go to their wall, you won't have to deal with them on your HOME PAGE! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Zucky got staaaaaaaayle!

5. Make sure you have fun. Do everything that will make you happy. Even if you have an exam the next day. The point is that it is only NOW that you're most unhappy. Fix yourself first and then go to anything else. If you don't deal with it now, it will be awful.

6. Its okay to feel angry and upset and moody. Look at this phase as a growing up phase. (I'm a vocab genius, BTW)

7. Keep yourself busy and take on little responsibilities. It will make you feel GOOOOD!

8. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, don't even think about moving on to someone else. Its disrespectful to you.

And email me if you want! I will be very happy to help.

Mwah!

4.