Thursday, October 20, 2011

Lalala! My nose is mucus hydrant.

Will blog posts stay forever? Because this is one post I would like my children to read.
First, I am not that regular with my blog because I really didn't know people read it. But yay! I've emailed two people in thanks. So, the recipients, Please don't freak out.

I am a single girl now. For a week and a half actually. And I feel liberated and I not saying this in the psuedo-feminist-man-hater sorta way. I mean it genuinely. I am not that kind of a person who will insult her own past.

This was my first relationship. It lasted two years. The 'boy' (please note that I'm referring to him as a boy and not a 'man') was one of my closest friends since class 6. It was supposed to be the most perfect things in the world. And it was. For one and a half years at least. It was a long distance and the boy couldn't handle it after a while I guess. I will not dwell on what went wrong. He changed in a bad way and became extremely mean. So, its over now.

My agenda on writing this post is to share my experience post-breakup.
The thing is, I was too dependent on him. And that is why I took all the shit he gave me thinking it was just a phase and putting up with it. I know where I went wrong. But I did give more love to make up for my problem. I thought that I would have nobody if he left me. And that is why I clung on to him.
I did break up with him with a very firm resolve on our second anniversary because that day he had crossed the limits. But he kept calling me and telling me that we are meant to be and how he would never hurt me ever again and be there. Well, we got back together and he became worse. I guess his ego could not handle that fact that I was the one who broke up with him. So this time, he did it on his terms.
And good for him. :) I mean it!

He has said horrible things to me. Things which seemed very genuine then. He made me feel like I was some nutcase. The last thing he said to me before I hung up the phone was:
" I uploaded those photos to hurt you. To remind you of that day. (Me: But that was the worst day of my life!). Yes, I know. I wanted us to stay broken up. (Me: But you begged me to come back.) Yeah, I know...
Now lets talk on Diwali and I hope we can be friends."

WhAT A Loooser!

I mean, now when I think about all the bull shit he used to say, I wonder how did I not laugh at it then. I mean, who talks like this??

Anyway, so that night, I mustered up all my courage and decided that I will never call him again. I think self-respect went pretty much for a toss for the last months of our relationship. Hehe.
I moved into the hostel the next morning. And I just clung on to my friends( my BFF in Chennai and my friends here, my sister and my favouritest ex-professor for the next two days). I cried. Basically, I figured that I should be done with my crying at one go. Now here are some things that are very typical post-break up and I'm sure they will be helpful:

1. Don't call. There is a very valid reason that you broke up. In my case(and most cases are like mine), I had to develop an ego to stop myself for calling him. You know what, during those three-four days, I would suddenly get angry at the time we used to talk(for me it was evening) and I would want to call him up and just yell at him for doing all that. But I figured there's no point. He is like a wall. No amount of love moved him. So, instead, I called up any of my friends. the point is to remain distracted. That kinda phase is only for half-an-hour or forty five minutes. If you still feel angry, watch something funny. But don't write. You will only make yourself feel worse.
The reason why I am saying let go off the anger is because nothing good will come out of it. You are vulnerable then. Do things to make yourself feel good. That anger is just hurt. Have pity on yourself and have fun!

2. Whenever you want to cry, don't stop yourself. One day the tears will stop.

3. Don't call.

4. Don't email or whatever.
And don't get petty and delete them off your list. It reflects badly on your past decisions. And as Sensei Snnickel says, 'DONT DISRESPECT YOUR PAST'. Obviously you'll check their profile for a few days but trust me, after a point of time, it will sink in to your brain that it does not matter. And you will be YAY again!
PS: There is this really cool option on FB where you can unsubscribe to a particular person's FB activity. Hence, unless you go to their wall, you won't have to deal with them on your HOME PAGE! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Zucky got staaaaaaaayle!

5. Make sure you have fun. Do everything that will make you happy. Even if you have an exam the next day. The point is that it is only NOW that you're most unhappy. Fix yourself first and then go to anything else. If you don't deal with it now, it will be awful.

6. Its okay to feel angry and upset and moody. Look at this phase as a growing up phase. (I'm a vocab genius, BTW)

7. Keep yourself busy and take on little responsibilities. It will make you feel GOOOOD!

8. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, don't even think about moving on to someone else. Its disrespectful to you.

And email me if you want! I will be very happy to help.



Tuesday, October 4, 2011


It doesn't come easy. I don't know what it takes to make someone realize that nothing can be done any more. Is it the fear of the unknown that will follow later? Or the unwillingness to accept the truth? For now I see it as me being unwilling to face the truth because of both and also I see it as a sign of failure. I wish I could just have clarity for some time. I am lost, and hurt and I really don't know if it is worth all the pain. Everytime I get ready to move ahead, something pulls me back. Is it me? Am I too scared of change?

Everytime, I think that things would change, and now that it is over, I still hope things would be better. Why am I doing this? If it was really love, it would not have been so messy. But if it is not love, then what is? Giving the power to destroy yourself to someone and then waiting for the crash and burn? Is that what I am doing? I feel bad okay. That everything became what it did. And when I know that I did all that I could. Why did it happen then? How am I supposed to believe someone that they are there forever now? How am I supposed to fall in love now? But more importantly,how am I supposed to believe someone when they tell me that they love me?