It is the most wonderful feeling when you realize that whatever you felt was a huge problem in your life can be solved very easily and through the exercise, you will become a better person. Today, while I was just thinking about what happened today with Mister Awesome, I realized that maybe I am the problem. In my brain, I somehow came to the phrase 'needy' and 'attention seeking'. I don't know how I got to it but I am so glad that I did.
So, as a part of my habit, I went to google and typed in the above phrase. I landed on an article in 'Psychology Today'. The article spoke about how people who have the attention seeking disorder have a deep-seated insecurity issue. I thought about it and I realized that it was true...
Sad as it may sound, I base the value of our relationship on his response to me. I want him to need me and acknowledge my impact in his life. But now as I write this, I realized that this way, not only am I making our relationship weaker, I am also making him weak and pushing myself into fake-confidence which will break if the relationship is over. This is probably the reason why people need to learn to support themselves after a relationship ends. And because the ego-boost giving person is not there anymore, we grow resentful and bitter towards them.
But I don't want any of that for us. And I don't want it for him and myself individually.
So, I read some more on the issue and finally decided that the time has come when I take my low self-esteem issues in my own hands. We have only one life and if we waste it figuring out what is going wrong with our lives and always dwelling on the same problems, when will have the time to help others out.
And this brings me to the best thing I learnt today. That to find true happiness, you need discipline. And with discipline, come purpose for life. This purpose makes life more meaningful. And this is the key to true happiness.
Am I feeling exhilarated? Yes, of course! I am starting over on making my life better with renewed enthusiasm. Life is too short for petty anger and shame. If we don't make life worth living in the present moment, never will we come to the stage of selfless-giving.
From this month onwards, these are the following things I will do:
1. Write a Gratitude Letter once a month, to someone who holds a dear place in my heart. It should be an honest effort.
2. Be patient with Mister Awesome and stop acting needy. We are both adults and in-charge of our happiness. If I want to make him happier, it should be an sincere effort without asking for an equal return.
3. Set-up a routine for myself and become more disciplined. I will become more efficient.
4. Make constant moves to make others around me happier.
5. And lastly, pray to God everyday for his/her blessings on me :)