Not Letting Go

Today, I read this beautiful Hughes' poem that perfectly resonates my present feelings. Here it is:


As I Grew Older


It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun--
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky--
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun! 
-Langston Hughes

There were times, I remember, when I felt so inspired that I could take over the world. It was insane the kind of drive I possessed then. It has been ages since I felt like that again. 

This makes me question whether my dream is even good enough to inspire me? Or have I changed? It was another high, working for something with immense passion. I am just 21. Why am I so uninspired? Where is that competitive spirit? Where is that energy?

It is not the time to dwell on the past. I somehow have to revive.. no.. give birth to a new inspiration, new energy, new spirit. I have to work for a dream. I should be grateful that I have a dream. And now that I have, I have to find some way to be blindly passionate. 

Thank you Hughes. You did it again. 

Sense and Sensitivity

People tell me that I'm a very emotional person, too sensitive for my own good. And then they suggest this absurd thing where they tell me to change that about myself. How does one do it? How can you 'fine tune' your emotional responses? The whole point of rationality and irrationality is the fact that irrationality and responses are your own and how one reacts to primeval stuff is something we cannot be taught. Then why does everyone believe that emotions can be controlled?
Sensitive people, I believe are the most alive. Why? Because they react, emotionally. They are most responsive and they somehow tend to go that extra mile in all relationships.
Now, comes the tricky part. When someone is mean or when you are hurt, how do you react? Because the 'best' answer I get from people is, "Don't react to it. She/He doesn't matter." Ya, well, if you don't react to people who you're close to, then who? So, where do we draw this line where we divide people into two: One, who are allowed to hurt me and those who aren't. Really? Will this ever work? Because more often than not, we feel bad from comments from complete strangers too. This is not a very clear post in terms of structure, but I really hope I'm getting my point across. What I am basically trying to ask is, how do you tell your brain to react to only a few people/things?
I constantly ask myself, why do I feel bad about things where I had no hand? If someone deliberately wanted to hurt, its their conscience and their problem, right? Or is it ours, because we allow someone to do that? Bah. Confusing.
As I'm growing up, I've realised only one thing. No one, absolutely no one who truly loves you will hurt you on purpose.
I'm deviating. Sorry. I was pondering on where to draw that imaginary line? My friend Saad says that she only gives her five best friends that power. Maybe, I can try that. Even best friends let people down, but love does not go. But the 'letting down' or hurting in this case, will be unconscious.

PS: Bollywood music rules!!! Gimme more of 'Lucky Boy' and 'Tere mast mast do nain'!!
PSS: Exams in 6 six days! BAH!

Lalala! My nose is mucus hydrant.

Will blog posts stay forever? Because this is one post I would like my children to read.
First, I am not that regular with my blog because I really didn't know people read it. But yay! I've emailed two people in thanks. So, the recipients, Please don't freak out.

I am a single girl now. For a week and a half actually. And I feel liberated and I not saying this in the psuedo-feminist-man-hater sorta way. I mean it genuinely. I am not that kind of a person who will insult her own past.

This was my first relationship. It lasted two years. The 'boy' (please note that I'm referring to him as a boy and not a 'man') was one of my closest friends since class 6. It was supposed to be the most perfect things in the world. And it was. For one and a half years at least. It was a long distance and the boy couldn't handle it after a while I guess. I will not dwell on what went wrong. He changed in a bad way and became extremely mean. So, its over now.

My agenda on writing this post is to share my experience post-breakup.
The thing is, I was too dependent on him. And that is why I took all the shit he gave me thinking it was just a phase and putting up with it. I know where I went wrong. But I did give more love to make up for my problem. I thought that I would have nobody if he left me. And that is why I clung on to him.
I did break up with him with a very firm resolve on our second anniversary because that day he had crossed the limits. But he kept calling me and telling me that we are meant to be and how he would never hurt me ever again and be there. Well, we got back together and he became worse. I guess his ego could not handle that fact that I was the one who broke up with him. So this time, he did it on his terms.
And good for him. :) I mean it!

He has said horrible things to me. Things which seemed very genuine then. He made me feel like I was some nutcase. The last thing he said to me before I hung up the phone was:
" I uploaded those photos to hurt you. To remind you of that day. (Me: But that was the worst day of my life!). Yes, I know. I wanted us to stay broken up. (Me: But you begged me to come back.) Yeah, I know...
Now lets talk on Diwali and I hope we can be friends."

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
WhAT A Loooser!

I mean, now when I think about all the bull shit he used to say, I wonder how did I not laugh at it then. I mean, who talks like this??

Anyway, so that night, I mustered up all my courage and decided that I will never call him again. I think self-respect went pretty much for a toss for the last months of our relationship. Hehe.
I moved into the hostel the next morning. And I just clung on to my friends( my BFF in Chennai and my friends here, my sister and my favouritest ex-professor for the next two days). I cried. Basically, I figured that I should be done with my crying at one go. Now here are some things that are very typical post-break up and I'm sure they will be helpful:

1. Don't call. There is a very valid reason that you broke up. In my case(and most cases are like mine), I had to develop an ego to stop myself for calling him. You know what, during those three-four days, I would suddenly get angry at the time we used to talk(for me it was evening) and I would want to call him up and just yell at him for doing all that. But I figured there's no point. He is like a wall. No amount of love moved him. So, instead, I called up any of my friends. the point is to remain distracted. That kinda phase is only for half-an-hour or forty five minutes. If you still feel angry, watch something funny. But don't write. You will only make yourself feel worse.
The reason why I am saying let go off the anger is because nothing good will come out of it. You are vulnerable then. Do things to make yourself feel good. That anger is just hurt. Have pity on yourself and have fun!

2. Whenever you want to cry, don't stop yourself. One day the tears will stop.

3. Don't call.

4. Don't email or whatever.
And don't get petty and delete them off your list. It reflects badly on your past decisions. And as Sensei Snnickel says, 'DONT DISRESPECT YOUR PAST'. Obviously you'll check their profile for a few days but trust me, after a point of time, it will sink in to your brain that it does not matter. And you will be YAY again!
PS: There is this really cool option on FB where you can unsubscribe to a particular person's FB activity. Hence, unless you go to their wall, you won't have to deal with them on your HOME PAGE! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Zucky got staaaaaaaayle!

5. Make sure you have fun. Do everything that will make you happy. Even if you have an exam the next day. The point is that it is only NOW that you're most unhappy. Fix yourself first and then go to anything else. If you don't deal with it now, it will be awful.

6. Its okay to feel angry and upset and moody. Look at this phase as a growing up phase. (I'm a vocab genius, BTW)

7. Keep yourself busy and take on little responsibilities. It will make you feel GOOOOD!

8. AND MOST IMPORTANTLY, don't even think about moving on to someone else. Its disrespectful to you.

And email me if you want! I will be very happy to help.

Mwah!

4. 

Closure

It doesn't come easy. I don't know what it takes to make someone realize that nothing can be done any more. Is it the fear of the unknown that will follow later? Or the unwillingness to accept the truth? For now I see it as me being unwilling to face the truth because of both and also I see it as a sign of failure. I wish I could just have clarity for some time. I am lost, and hurt and I really don't know if it is worth all the pain. Everytime I get ready to move ahead, something pulls me back. Is it me? Am I too scared of change?

Everytime, I think that things would change, and now that it is over, I still hope things would be better. Why am I doing this? If it was really love, it would not have been so messy. But if it is not love, then what is? Giving the power to destroy yourself to someone and then waiting for the crash and burn? Is that what I am doing? I feel bad okay. That everything became what it did. And when I know that I did all that I could. Why did it happen then? How am I supposed to believe someone that they are there forever now? How am I supposed to fall in love now? But more importantly,how am I supposed to believe someone when they tell me that they love me?

I don't think there's ever been a time when I've felt this weird about life. I didn't get the hostel today. After waiting for so long. I am pissed. But worse than that, I feel very depressed. Like nothing can ever go right in my life. Why is this happening? Wasn't it bad enough to come from home and feel like the loneliest person in the world? And then getting marks which were way below expectations? And then having a really bad time with my boyfriend? And on top of that, having no one around to talk to about it. I can't talk to my parents because they will get worried. I cannot talk to my boyfriend because he does not have time to listen or does not want to listen or whatever. My best friend who always understands me is really far away. Right now I need someone to tell me that every thing will be alright and that my life will not be failure and that I am not that bad. Its really bad and I am sick of pretending to be happy when I am upset because that really messes up your brain. Then you think you have some disorder or something. It sucks. Sometimes, I just want to go to sleep and wake up forgetting everything that happened. I hate it. I just want to forget everything and be happy for once. Like pure unadulterated happiness. I don't want to be scared that something bad will follow behind. I am tired. I really am.

I've never been this sad

I want to go home. Really badly.. Like really really badly..

I am on my way to true happiness!

It is the most wonderful feeling when you realize that whatever you felt was a huge problem in your life can be solved very easily and through the exercise, you will become a better person. Today, while I was just thinking about what happened today with Mister Awesome, I realized that maybe I am the problem. In my brain, I somehow came to the phrase  'needy' and 'attention seeking'. I don't know how I got to it but I am so glad that I did. 
So, as a part of my habit, I went to google and typed in the above phrase. I landed on an article in 'Psychology Today'. The article spoke about how people who have the attention seeking disorder have a deep-seated insecurity issue. I thought about it and I realized that it was true...
Sad as it may sound, I base the value of our relationship on his response to me. I want him to need me and acknowledge my impact in his life. But now as I write this, I realized that this way, not only am I making our relationship weaker, I am also making him weak and pushing myself into fake-confidence which will break if the relationship is over. This is probably the reason why people need to learn to support themselves after a relationship ends. And because the ego-boost giving person is not there anymore, we grow resentful and bitter towards them. 
But I don't want any of that for us. And I don't want it for him and myself individually.
So, I read some more on the issue and finally decided that the time has come when I take my low self-esteem issues in my own hands. We have only one life and if we waste it figuring out what is going wrong with our lives and always dwelling on the same problems, when will have the time to help others out.
And this brings me to the best thing I learnt today. That to find true happiness, you need discipline. And with discipline, come purpose for life. This purpose makes life more meaningful. And this is the key to true happiness.
Am I feeling exhilarated? Yes, of course! I am starting over on making my life better with renewed enthusiasm. Life is too short for petty anger and shame. If we don't make life worth living in the present moment, never will we come to the stage of selfless-giving. 
From this month onwards, these are the following things I will do:
1. Write a Gratitude Letter once a month, to someone who holds a dear place in my heart. It should be an honest effort.
2. Be patient with Mister Awesome and stop acting needy. We are both adults and in-charge of our happiness. If I want to make him happier, it should be an sincere effort without asking for an equal return.
3. Set-up a routine for myself and become more disciplined. I will become more efficient.
4. Make constant moves to make others around me happier.
5. And lastly, pray to God everyday for his/her blessings on me :)

Rant comes later

First, I am not able write. Like anything. The only regret I have for this vacation is that, that I did not write enough. I know I can only write when I have something to write about. Maybe, I didn't have anything to write about. But I've read that one becomes a proper writer only when you practice the art properly. Its the same thing as playing an instrument or solving numericals. Maybe I should start writing like its something I have to do everyday. And I should start small. Like two hundred words or something. Then only will I go to something big. :D

I now feel there is no point to anything. I feel disgusted. I feel so weird! :/ I want to stop thinking about it but I can't.

HBTM!

I want to be cool. Like really really cool!

Wait!

I am TWENTY ONE!

Cool. Problem solved.

Pseudo-Modernist?

Tell me if what I think is what really is.
Because then, somehow,
I will find more reason to be.
My conscience is based
on culture
and my confidence,
well...

Oo! BTW, I am reading 'Midnight's Children' and I guess I an like Nadir, the rhymeless poet. Modernist or lack of talent?
Funny but something to think about. Which I will do. Wait till I graduate.

Freeze

Memories are treacherous,
allusive at will,
unrecallable at leisure.
I have experienced perfection,
and I am too scared
to surrender it to memory.
So, I try to give it words,
I give life's perfection
to Art.
Reality is not always kind,
and then turning
to Art
becomes a necessity.
It comes naturally
to define life
through Art.
Highest epiphanies of life
deserve a remembrance.
And that rememberance,
is through Art.

I am groping my vocabulary for words to describe how I feel right now. Maybe, now is not the time. Language too can be a bitch sometimes.

Yay!

Second year is over, and I don't feel like contemplating. Very unlike my usual self.

I am writing it here

I WANT TO COME FIRST! And I will!

Some Good, Some Bad

Here are some random things I wanna say:

* There is this one girl whose head i wanna rip off. Stupid SLUT, such a kiss ass. One day, I will show her her place. AND OMG, that day I will feel sooo happy!

* I am going to write for a Mag again! Yay!

* I will become passive in some situations. Bah!

* AND I WILL KICK SOME ASS THIS TIME DURING EXAMS.

Bah Part II

Two days back in class, I started to work on my story a bit. The class was thoroughly dull and I had promised myself that if I don’t pay attention in class or bunk; I will do something equally good in its place. Hence, I started to write. And then I came upon a point where I had to decide where my character dies. So, I did what I always do. I thought about the age when I would want to die. And this is where I got stuck. Damn. How is anyone supposed to know what time will be the right time to go away? Apart from people who take their own lives, others have no idea whatsoever. This is the worst kind of exam ever! And you can’t even prepare for it. And I hate being so stuck. Not so much about me dying but about my character. Yes, I love my story, thank you very much.

And then I thought, sadist that I am, that I will make my character indispensible to the people who love him/her/it before he/she/it goes. That way, it somehow becomes more tragic. But I am I making fun of death this way? Am I taking this fact very loosely, little realizing the magnitude of the situation? I don’t know. I am so confused. And now I am sad too. Damn it!

Thanx Papa, for Ruskin. And Everything else.

I am going to read Ruskin Bond again. He just reminds me of the amazing life I had. But most of all, he reminds me of my Dad. My family lives abraod now and I am here in India. And there are times, when I really really miss them. My first ever book was given to me by my father. It was when I was in fourth standard. The book was the 'Ruskin Bond's Children's Omnibus'. It was a thick book(it still is) and it had the best Ruskin Bond stories, according to Dad. I remember, how we came back and my Dad went into the balcony and read the entire book cover to cover in four hours. I don't know how he managed that. But what struck me was how engrossed he was into reading. From that day on, I started to notice how he read his books. He would always go to his book shelf. Look at it for some time. Spot a book. Ask me if I happened to read it yet (I had never a read a book from his HUGE collection till I came in ninth). He would then tell me the theme in the most eloquent manner and then while talking he would somehow find a spot and start reading. I never saw my mom ever disturb him when he read. Somehow, home felt more homely when he was reading. After we shifted to Delhi, he did not get time to read. He had soo much of work and on Sundays, we always had relatives. I felt bad for him because he was one of those very very few people who enjor reading and don't brag about it. If it had not been for him, I would not be doing what I am doing today. I would not know anything about good books if it hadn't for him. My father always thought that books were the best present. He always gave himself books whenever he shopped. Whenever I rejected clothes over books, I would see him smile. He got me my first subscription to a magazine, the English Champak. He made me read Editorials in the Times of India and write their summaries. He gave me this amazing habit of writing my diary every night, a habit that I continue till today and will go on forever. If I am someone today, it is because of my father. He is so successful and I am very proud of him. I know he was heartbroken when he had to leave some of his books behind in India. But I know he will be able to build his library very soon. And I know, I am going to help him.

The only one I look for.... Is you

'I've never opened myself this way'

My phone stopped working, at a very crucial moment. And then, my only motivation to make it work was to talk to Mister Awesome. It is then I realized that my entire world revolves around him. Most people would say it is a bad thing, but I choose to look at it as a good thing. Unlike most people, I've found my soul-mate. I've found what most people look for their entire lives. And I am keeping it, snug in the warmest part of my bed.

I am a lucky girl because of you baby.

Feel Like Home Again

Absence of my hostel room has made me realize that it is the place that is my home now. I miss it with all my heart. I miss everything about it and there are soo many things! I miss my exam days when me and my roommate sat together to study in the bitter winter. How we accompanied each other to the water dispenser because it was too cold. How we made full use of the electric kettle. Hehe! I miss my room, my bed, my table.
Everything.

Its like a home-coming. Only,  I realized it when I was away from home.

Taller...Faster...Stronger

Loneliness makes you stronger and more aware about yourself. Only, just don't start pitying yourself. 

Taller...Faster...Stronger

Loneliness makes you stronger and more aware about yourself. Only, just don't start pitying yourself.